Any comments on kindof dark poem? its a rough draft..suggestions would be great and much appriecated?

Girl in Hiding





moving statue


an almost beautifully choreographed dance


stumbling around and around


she wobbles in her five inch stilettos





her knees collide with hard granite


and laying in pain, undeserving





pretty dress artfully arranged


on the cold marble floor





she preens into a tiny mirror


still beautiful





girls find your place








father looms, his nearness causes subtle hairs


to stand


save face


kiss his lips and dance\beautiful girls








blanket your pain with sweet smelling flowers


empty eyes, window for an empty head





mirrors show these child like reflections


childhood obsessions


grown out of filth, smothered with rot


she blooms into a beautiful shell


with nothing inside her

Any comments on kindof dark poem? its a rough draft..suggestions would be great and much appriecated?
This is a good poem-in my opinion. I don't want to recommend u change too much about it-as it's your art, not my own. However, I think that the message might be better received with more creative word choices.


"Wobbles" and "rot" are words that I personally would deter from using simply because they don't seem to add to the flow of the rest of the poem, to me. wobbles is a little bit on the edge of slang, to me-and rot ...hard to pin it-but I would have used "decay"





These are my own personal critiques-but I do really like this poem, and don't change anything you like, it's your art : )