What do you think of this poem?

A narrative I've been working on.





Visiting You





I





I take your route past unkept yards;


by the tarnish and rust


of tanks and vehicles strewn around,


the steel of our past adorning the ground.


I've come to wonder how no one mourns


the hull of life, as it was,


the grooves we made these metal mounds;





The way I bring flowers to this slab of marble,


and park myself on this patch of grass


beneath the siren blaze in the sky,


and rest my eyes, my lazy hand,


beside the crashing sea of traffic,


and never hear the alarm, the silencing streets,


the encroaching night.


I could keep on moving, driving, walking,


if I were only certain you could see;


but I'm bound by logic


and forced to question


whether you follow with me.





II





And the sky was full of colors today, you should've seen;


a sheet of blushing pink against the shyest blue,


brush-stroke clouds,


and a lonely fool.


I imagined you were there, traveling with the wind,


poking fun at the world as it lags behind;


free from recognition, free from form,


free to rustle leaves and tangle hair,


tug on sails, the trees, the tide;


free from gravity as your molten shell becomes the earth.


But I'm still grounded to it and cry for the loss of familiarity;


your keys, your letters, your pictures…





your face which has wasted away; its apparition wherever I go.


And though your skin draped skeleton and sinking eyes


had sent me running for shelter,


I am sorry.


I did not recognize you, even with the aid of technology


hooked to your nose, your arms,


pumping fluids into your veins,


only this gaunt person.








The bedside prayers,


the overnight vigils,


your favorite blanket


and book,





And your engine still ceased to function,


to carry you through life,


and now I must learn to drive.

What do you think of this poem?
Not bad. I kind of like it.
Reply:Nice
Reply:this is really good, wow, i am completely lost for words.........





wow.....





wow......
Reply:It's all there, that's for sure but it needs a lot of work to polish it and make a unity out of it.


Either go for free form with no rhymes and no real meter or re-organise this with more attention to form and rhyme.


One thing you don't do is give up on it and leave it lying there like a wounded bird. Oh no! This piece is far too good to leave in such a rough state.


Work, work, work!
Reply:pretty good
Reply:Wow! That's deep.
Reply:As a narrative poem rhymming is pretty good. But are you in love with your car which you broke?

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